Tags

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Gird your loins

and dress your wounds

before returning to battle.

Cushion your high heels

with orthopedic inserts.

Wrap pinky toes

in neutral bandages.

Approach the cellophane

package of death

with great caution.

Each fingernail and toenail

must be filed down

to harmlessness.

All hangnails,

exterminated.

Carefully, cut

the nylons free

from their

cellophane prison

and

c

a

r

e

f

u

l

l

y

point your right toe

with the grace

of a prima ballerina

and gingerly insert it

into the taupe-colored

cocoon

of elasticized fabric.

Point

and roll

point

and roll

inch by inch

up over the knee

gradually overcoming

the thick thigh.

Intermission.

Repeat with left

toe, calf, knee and thigh.

Stand up.

Roll the tummy-control panel

UP UP UP.

Shimmy and jump,

Shimmy and jump.

Return to sitting.

Pinch any extraneous fabric

with the meticulous nature

of an archeologist

removing dust

from a relic.

Move that extra fabric

up

from ankle

past knee

through thigh.

Repeat for left leg.

Stand again.

Wiggle and jump

Wiggle and jump.

Apply anti-static cling spray

generously

(be careful NOT to inhale.)

Now you may put on your dress

and heels.

Now that your nylons are properly applied.

(Be optimistic,

but keep clear nail polish in your purse

in case of inevitable runs.)

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