My new coworker recently asked me:

“Do you have any experience with online dating?”

“Well, no, not a lot,” I answered. “But, some–When I was 19, I took the eHarmony personality test as a joke and I failed it.”

“Failed it?”

“I failed it, it came up with a message: ‘We are not confident in our abilities to match you at this time.'”

“Oh.”

“And then, when I got out of college, I tried Plenty of Fish–it’s one of the free ones, but it was kind of trashy. I went on a few good dates, but a lot of weirdos messaged me with poor grammar or saying things like ‘Hey gurl, wanna txt?'”

(It was at this point that I realized that I actually had a LOT of experience with online dating, and politely brought the conversation to a close. Had I kept going, this is what I would have said:)

And then I tried Chemistry, which is one of the paid ones and I really liked the guys it matched me up with, but none of them responded to my messages. Then I retook the eHarmony quiz and I passed, so I tried that for a while, but I didn’t put any restrictions on height of ethnicity and I got matched almost exclusively with short Indian computer programer, and I mean shot, like 5’2″ or 5’3″–I know I’m tall and I don’t mind a guy who’s a little shorter than me, but that was ridiculous.

And then I started trying OkCupid, which is another free one, but better than Plenty of Fish and I went on one date, but the guy was really self-absorbed and only interested in sex.

So then I tried The Stranger online personals, but I didn’t feel like I was enough of a hipster, so I tried Match.com for a while and went on one date with this guy in the Navy who said he liked to get drunk and start fights and he was 22 and already divorced, so that was a NO…

And Match had the audacity to enroll me in automatic billing after six months. So I called them up to reverse the charge on my credit card:

‘Hello, ma’am, how may I help you today?’

‘Yeah, I got signed up for automatic billing and I want to cancel my account.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. May I ask why you want to cancel your account?’

‘I just didn’t like who I was getting set up with.’

‘Well, we can work to improve that, ma’am.’

Listen, NO, no, I don’t want you to try and improve that–it seems like online dating is a scam anyway, to prey on socially awkward romantics. And I am DONE. I am SICK OF WASTING MY TIME. I’m going to need you to CANCEL MY ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW and stop convincing me to change my mind. Okay?’

(awkward silence. sound of computer keys faintly clacking)

‘Alright ma’am, I have canceled your account. Have a nice day.'”

Click.

===

It wasn’t until I wrote out my entire online dating history that I realized it was a complete waste of time. I am a very independent person, and if someone is going to become a part of my life, they need to find me in person. Not online.

People will tell you “You’ll find a relationship when you’re not looking for it.” I cry bullshit. Everyone is always looking for companionship–go and review Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, for God’s sake.

I am by no means a dating expert (obviously) but the best advice I can give is: STAY SINGLE. Do not relegate yourself to Bridget Jones spinster status, but go about life putting your effort into the things about which you’re passionate. Go out and make a lot of art. Travel the world. Learn a new language. Anyone who is worth dating is going to find you doing the things you love.

I beg you: stay single. Cancel your online dating accounts. Stop looking for Mister Right. Start blazing your own trail.

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