Julia and Lynn are at a concert. They face the audience. They have candy necklaces, glow sticks are dancing to music the audience cannot hear.
The song the band is playing finishes.
V.O. Alright, that’s all for us tonight, we are Terror Piglet! Thank you and good night!
Julia: That. Was. AMAZING.
Lynn: I know, can you believe it?!
Julia: When Derrick sliced his guitar in half onstage with a chainsaw–
Lynn: Oh, oh, oh, or when Tyler shaved his head off onstage–
Julia: Yeah! But I think my favorite thing was when they started to play Phoenix Stole My iPhone and Serephina lit her drumsticks on fire.
Lynn: That was pretty good, but what about when Damien starting shooting cheezy poofs out of the t-shirt cannon. Just…Wow.
Julia: Terror Piglet is the best band on earth.
Lynn: What they have to say about democracy and showing up, you know showing up? When Chester played that 12 minute guitar solo and instead of using a pick, he used different kids of birth control? (she nods vigorously)
Julia: (beat) Yeah?
Julia: No, I mean, what were you going to say? What did you think that birth control guitar solo meant? What was he trying to say?
Lynn: (beat) Didn’t you get it?
Julia: No, yeah, I mean, I TOTALLY got it. I was just wondering what your personal interpretation was.
Lynn: I feel it was a call to Republican senators to wake up and smell the free access to contraception and how important that is. And how detrimental teaching abstinence in sex ed is. And an international call for intersectional feminism.
Julia: (beat) You got all that from the guitar solo.
Lynn: Absolutely. (beat) I think what’s so brilliant about Terror Piglet is that their work can be interpreted so many ways and there isn’t just one “right” way. It’s like a Jackson Pollock painting.
A large bag of trash gets thrown onstage.
Julia: What the hell?!
Lynn: I think they’re starting to clean up the venue. I think it’s time for us to go.
Julia: Do you think there could be, like, special trash in there?
Lynn: Special trash?
Julia: I mean, if it’s backstage trash, it could have something that Terror Piglet touched inside.
Lynn: You want to riffle through the trash?
Julia: Maybe not riffle, but maybe just a little peek?
She uses her glowstick to lift up the opening to the black plastic bag.
Julia: No. Way.
Lynn: What is it?
Julia: I can’t believe it. It’s Derrick’s t-shirt.
Lynn: (running over to get closer) Are you sure?
Julia: It is a sweaty Power Rangers t-shirt with the arms cut off, covered in sweat. I’m pretty sure.
She carefully pulls the shirt out of the bag with her free hand.
Lynn: (grabbing the shirt from Julia) Well, what are we going to do with it?
Julia: (taking the shirt back) It’s mine. I’m the one who had the idea to look through the garbage.
Lynn: Yeah, but…I’m the one who had you listen to Terror Piglet for the first time. I introduced you to the band. And you didn’t even get what that guitar solo was all about, so clearly I am the better fan and should get the shirt.
Julia scowls at her. She smells the shirt slowly and dramatically, never breaking eye contact with Lynn as she does.
Lynn: Come ON.
Julia: It smells like him.
Lynn: How would you know what he smelled like?!
Julia: I. Just. Know.
Lynn: Give me the shirt.
Julia: No way.
Lynn: Give it to me!
She lunges for the shirt. Julia stuffs it down the front of her shirt and curls up on the ground in the fetal position.
Lynn jumps on her and they wrestle for possession of the shirt. Eventually, Julia wins and puts it on over her own shirt.
Julia: In the words of Terror Piglet, “You are the enemy of empathy and I am the champion of changelings.” Bam!
She struts around, rubbing it in.
There are sounds of things being knocked over offstage.
Julia: What’s that?
Lynn: Holy shit.
Lynn: I think it’s Serephina’s bear.
Julia: Her bear?!
Lynn: Yeah, there’s a rumor going around online that she bought a polar bear. It goes on tour with them, only it’s kind of not legal that she has one in the first place, so they have to try and sneak the bear out after concerts and stuff so the audience isn’t in danger and no photos are taken.
Julia: You’re right. That’s a fricking bear. (beat) I’m going to take a picture. (she gets out her phone)
Lynn: You can’t.
Julia: Can you imagine how much money that picture would sell for?
Lynn: She could go to jail. You would essentially be breaking up the band. Breaking up Terror Piglet.
Julia: They can find a new drummer.
Lynn: Listen to you. You don’t deserve that shirt.
Julia: Screw you. (beat) Shoot. It’s blurry. I’m going to have to get closer.
She goes offstage.
See a phone camera flash off stage, followed by bear growling noises that get closer.
Julia runs back onstage.
Julia: Shit! I didn’t know the flash would go off. We have to run!
They run off in the opposite direction, flinging glow sticks as they go.
Punk rock music punctuated by bear growls plays.
VO: Pandemonium, get back in your cage!