MATT, NATALIA, LUKE and KITTY at a table at a bar. There is an empty table next to them
MATT and NATALIA are currently dating, LUKE and KITTY dated briefly four years ago.
KITTY: I’m staying that Twelve Angry Men episode of Inside Amy Schumer was revolutionary. She has really hit her stride this year. That show is biting cultural commentary and people are showing up to watch this year and responding.
NATALIA: I totally agree! Personally, I liked The Last Fuckable Day sketch better, but, yeah, Amy Schumer is fucking hilarious. Love her. What’s your favorite sketch, babe?
MATT: The emotional combat one–she totally nailed that. I could use that course.
NATALIA: Hey, now. (She gives him a playful smack.)
KITTY: How about you, Luke, what’s your favorite Amy Schumer sketch or joke?
LUKE: I don’t think Amy Schumer is funny.
(Collective silence. MATT braces himself.)
NATALIA: What. The. Actual. Fuck.
KITTY: What do you mean, you don’t think she’s funny? You’re not funny.
NATALIA: You know, you are exactly–this is what is wrong with men of the Millennial generation. They go around saying they’re feminists and then they get intimidated by a strong woman who is empowered by her own sexuality instead of being ashamed of it.
LUKE: That’s not–I just don’t think she’s funny. There are plenty of other women who I think are funny, just not Amy Schumer.
KITTY: Name them. Name the other women who, in your opinion, are funnier than Amy Schumer.
LUKE: I’m not saying they’re objectively funnier than Amy Schumer–just, for my personal taste, I don’t like how crude she is.
LUKE: Matt, back me up here.
MATT: Buddy, you are on your own. I think Amy Schumer is funny.
KITTY: Luke, name the other female comedians you like.
LUKE: There are lots.
KITTY: Ok. Name them.
LUKE: Fine. Um…Lucille Ball.
NATALIA: Funny, but dead.
KITTY: Yeah, living female comedians you think are funny.
LUKE: Uh–uh–Ellen! Ellen. (unsure) Ellen is funny.
KITTY: That sounded like a question. Are you asking us if Ellen is funny? Because she is. She is fucking funny.
NATALIA: Have you watched her stand up?
LUKE: I mean, no, but I saw her do the Oscars and that made me laugh?
KITTY: You know what, let’s shift gears. What male comics do you think are funny?
LUKE: (effortlessly) Louis C.K., Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, Patton Oswalt…
He stops, feeling KITTY and NATALIA glaring at him.
MATT: Give me your credit card.
MATT: Because you are clearly buying the next round of drinks.
LUKE does, begrudgingly.
MATT: Is everyone sticking with what they’re drinking?
Nods around the table.
LUKE: Wait a minute, Matt. Who are you favorite female comedians?
MATT: Besides Amy Schumer?
MATT: Sarah Silverman, Tig Nataro, Natasha Leggero, Leslie Jones, Kirsten Schaal–now, she’s my absolute favorite. Margaret Cho, Maria Bamford–
LUKE: Ok, that’s enough.
NATALIA: That’s enough? No, Luke, it’s not enough. Because you can’t even come up with one female comedian who is living and whose work you’ve seen and respect.
MATT: Bro, if you need help finding female comedians, Maria Bamford has a page on her website that lists dozens. It’s really helpful. (He exits to get the next round of drinks.)
LUKE is left alone with the disgruntled KITTY and NATALIA.
LUKE: Look, I’m not one of those guys who thinks women aren’t funny. I’m not! I just don’t think Amy Schumer is funny, and I have a right to that opinion.
NATALIA: Matt wasn’t naturally drawn to that list of comedians he just rattled off. He did research–he went to Maria Bamford’s site and started checking out different sets on YouTube. It was basically a requirement to start dating me.
KITTY: I was reading this interview with Amy Schumer, and she was saying that she constantly has feedback from people who book comedy venues that her material is “too sexual.” And she estimates that it’s less than 30% of her set, the sex stuff. But male comics can come in and do 70% sex stuff and their material is not considered too sexual at all. It’s seen as normal. (beat) Who and what you choose to laugh at matters.
NATALIA: It can be a political act.
KITTY: I’m sure if you watched enough of Amy Schumer’s material, you would find something you thought was funny.
LUKE: I’m sorry. She’s just not funny.
KITTY: (joking, trying to end the conversation) Well, we can’t be friends, then.
LUKE: We’ve made that clear, Kitty.
KITTY: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
LUKE: Just because we dated for two seconds four years ago, you don’t still get to dictate what I like or don’t like.
KITTY: Where the fuck is this coming from? Keep in mind, it was your idea for us to date.
LUKE: Yeah, that was a fucking mistake.
KITTY: Excuse me?!
KITTY: A mistake? A mistake. Fine. Yeah, it was a mistake, because I am the best fucking thing that ever happened to you. And you can take your Louis C.K.s and your Marc Marons, and all of the other disenfranchised white comedians who are so upset that women act so crazy all the time. And you can all go fuck each other. Ok? And you know what else? Amy Schumer doesn’t need your blessing to be funny. If you can’t see that she’s fucking hilarious, you are part of the fucking problem and that will ensure that she will never run out of material.
LUKE leaves, fuming.
KITTY: What an asshole.
MATT returns with the drinks.
MATT: Here we go. Where’s Luke? What did I miss?
NATALIA: Kitty schooled him and he ran away.
MATT: Good riddance. I mean, I love the guy, but…
MATT: Hey, we still have his card. He’ll either have to come back for it or drinks will be on him all night, I guess.
KITTY: Bottoms up.
End of play.