Janie and Barb at the kitchen table, both in their 60 or 70s. They string bright ribbons through cheap medallions.
JANIE: All I’m saying is that if you wrap those necklaces the way that you’re wrapping them, they’re going to get all tangled the day of the fundraiser.
BARB: Janie, you do not know that. I am tying them in bunches of five. Five isn’t enough to get tangled.
JANIE: You mark my words, Barb.
BARB: Ok, ok, I mark them, I mark them!
JANIE: What are you gonna to wear to the fundraiser?
BARB: The long black gown and then tie a gold scarf around my waist. You?
JANIE: I’m gonna wear the purple skirt with the black lace top and real big earrings. Big hoops. Hoops are gyspy-like, right?
BARB: You know, my daughter, Ahna, she says we shouldn’t say Gypsy. It’s impolite. It’s like saying “The shop keeper Jewed me on the price.”
JANIE: Well, yeah, you can’t say “Jewed” any more. I think Gypsy is ok, though. We’re not saying anything mean about them, we’re just dressing like them and raising money for charity. You know you can’t say Oriental now?
BARB: What do you say instead?
JANIE: Asian American, unless you know the kind of Asian they are, like Chinese Asian, Japanese Asian, Korean Asian, Vietnamese Asian–
BARB: God forbid. And then you drop the Asian after, right? You would just say Chinese, right?
JANIE: Right. But most of the time you’re not going to to know, do you have to say Asian American.
BARB: What if they don’t speak English? What if they’re like a tourist and actually from a foreign country and they’re not American? What do you say then? Just Asian?
JANIE: I guess so, yeah.
BARB: There are so many rules now! My Ahna, she’s a high school teacher, and she was telling me they’ve got these new gender neutral bathrooms.
JANIE: Gender neutral?
BARB: Yeah, gender neutral. It means anyone can go in, they’re all single stalls on the inside. No urinals.
JANIE: Why would they do that?
BARB: Well, there’s trans students, now. And they gotta feel safe going to the bathroom.
JANIE: What’s a transgender? That sounds like an airline.
BARB: It’s someone who was born one gender and then switched to the other one.
BARB: Do you watch Orange is the New Black on the Netflix?
JANIE: I get all of my movies from the library. You know this.
BARB: Well, the Netflix has original programing now, that they make themselves so they don’t need the studios and all. And they did this series based on a real-life memoir of a woman who went to prison and there is a transgender actress in it, Laverne Cox, and she plays a transgender woman. In jail.
JANIE: So she used to be a man?
JANIE: And now she’s a woman, she’s an actress.
BARB: Yeah, and she’s in that new movie, Grandma, with Lily Tomlin.
JANIE: Gawd, I love Lily Tomlin. Edith Anne. Please. Fantastic.
BARB: She just got married, you know. To her partner of like forever, Jane Wagner. The one who wrote the Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe.
JANIE: Now, we own that video.
BARB: Isn’t it wonderful, that the gay marriage is legal now, in all 50 states?
JANIE: You hear about that clerk in Arkansas or wherever–somewhere down south, she was a clerk at the county and she was saying no to gay couples coming in for a wedding license. Saying no, and saying they couldn’t force her to do it because it wasn’t in her job description originally and it was against her religion.
BARB: I am very religious. I go to bible study every week. And unless you’re an idiot, you should get that the main message of The Bible is to love everybody. Chinese, Asian-American, Jewish, Trans, Gay, whatever. You just love them all, that’s what God wants you to do. (Beat.) Damit, you were right, Janie. They’re getting tangled.
JANIE: I told you–
BARB: Ok, ok, settle down. Let’s take a break and we’ll have some of these new devilled eggs I made. They’re actually “Devilish Eggs with Cheddar, Chipotle and Chives.”
JANIE: Oh, my.
BARB: The recipe is from Ted Allen’s In My Kitchen cookbook. He was the food guy on the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy show. He’s a gay man and very fashionable and his devilish eggs are DELICIOUS.
JANIE: Can we crack open the wine spritzers?
BARB: I don’t know if Mr. Allen will approve, but I won’t tell if you don’t!
BARB gets out the eggs and wine spritzers. They take sips of the spritzers and bites of the eggs.
JANIE: These gay eggs are so good!
End of play.