Lights up on an artisan candy store.plays

The tables and shelves are lined with mason jars filled with caramels and old-timey soft candy.

Instrumental renditions of hipster songs play at a reasonable background volume.

GRETCHEN enters in a smart outfit locally sourced from a thrift store. She walks around the shop, fronting the shelves, adjusting items that are out of place.

ALLIE enters. She is young and really stoned.

GRETCHEN: May I help you?

ALLIE: Mmm. I’d like some candy, please.

GRETCHEN: Well, you’ve come to the right place. What are you in the mood for?

ALLIE: Candy. You know, candy?

GRETCHEN: But what kind? Everything here is made by hand. we have caramels, fudge, hard candies, taffy. (Beat. She takes a look at ALLIE’S eyes.) Excuse me, are you stoned?

ALLIE: (giggles) What? No.

GRETCHEN: It’s okay! I’m not judging. It’s just–I’m wondering–are you?

ALLIE: Maybe.

GRETCHEN: You see, I have this idea of pairing the perfect candy to go with the kind of marijuana a person has ingested. Could I experiment on you?

ALLIE: Does this mean I would get free candy?

GRETCHEN: Free samples, yes.

ALLIE: Ok, I’m in.

GRETCHEN: Wonderful! (She takes out a notepad.) First question: How did you ingest the marijuana?

ALLIE: Huh?  

GRETCHEN: Did you smoke it?

ALLIE: (giggling) Yep. I smoked it.

GRETCHEN: With what?

ALLIE: With a pipe.

GRETCHEN: Great. (Taking notes) Question number two: What kind of marijuana was it?

ALLIE: It was some good shit.

GRETCHEN: Could you be more specific? Indica or Sativa? Do you know the name of the strain?


She fishes around in her bag for the wrapper.

ALLIE: Here’s the label from the pot store, does that help?

GRETCHEN: Yes! This is perfect.(She vigorously takes notes) Golden Goat, a strong Sativa.

(She does some calculations, hands the wrapper back to ALLIE and walks around the store, searching. She finds a jar of saltwater taffy and brings it back to ALLIE.)

GRETCHEN: According to my calculations, this butterscotch taffy is going to the perfect pairing to compliment the Golden Goat strain. Try it.

ALLIE takes a taffy out of the mason jar and unwraps it. She pops it in her mouth.

ALLIE: Oh, wow. Oh, fuck. This some really good fucking taffy. Oh my god.

GRETCHEN: Splendid! Now, I want you to take this jar and give some to your stoner friends who have also ingested the same strain. And then them where you got it. (She stuffs business cards in the jar and hands it to ALLIE.)

ALLIE: You’re magic, candy lady.

GRETCHEN: Oh, thank you. I just want to tickle everyone’s tastebuds.

ALLIE: (raising an eyebrow) Take it easy. (She exits)

GRETCHEN beams. She goes to get a replacement jar of taffy and lines it up perfectly.

GRETCHEN: It’s just all about word of mouth. That is so important.

She surveys her domain. Pleased at what she sees, she exits to make another batch of something sweet.

End of play.