Light up.plays

Sheep in a waiting room.

Actors should accentuate any words that sound vaguely sheep-like, especially broad “a” vowels.

BOBBI: Wonder what assignments we’ll get tonight.

EUNICE: Hope it’s not someone with sleep apnea. I hate getting people with those fucking Darth Vader masks. Totally ruins the mood. What I do is an art.

BOBBI: Absolutely. Or kids with night terrors, I take it so personally when they have a terrible dream, even though it has nothing to do with me–it just makes me feel like a failure.

EUNICE: I understand completely. Have you been working on a new routine?

BOBBI: I like to keep it pretty classic, unless they own a cat, then I like to fuck with the cat.

EUNICE: You are so bad, how do you fuck with the cat?

BOBBI: Once the person’s asleep, I just chase them around and whisper shit in their ears. “There’s poison in the litter box.” “If you run up and down the hall 200 times, a mouse nest will appear to you.”

EUNICE: Do mice have nests? I know rats have nests.

BOBBI: Does it matter? The cat’s never going to find out.

EUNICE: What’s your favorite assignment to get?

BOBBI: I like the mothers with newborns–that is some precision work right there, my friend–if I do it well enough, I can get both the mother and the baby to go to sleep in under 20 minutes. No telling how long it will last, but I enjoy a challenge.

EUNICE: I like getting people going through bad breakups. I feel like I’m really doing them some good. One sheep jump at a time.

V.O.: Bobbi, your assignment is now available.

A sheet of paper slide under the door. Bobbi gets on all fours to grab it in her teeth, returns to her seat. Reads the assignment.

BOBBI: Aww, fuck!

EUNICE: What is it–what did you get?

BOBBI: Kid who just started to suspect the tooth fairy isn’t real. And she just lost a tooth. Slammed a door with a piece of floss wrapped around a loose tooth so she could lay a trap to catch her parents in the act. It’s going to be a long night.

EUNICE: Sorry, friend, that’s rough. Can I get you anything before you go?

BOBBI: Nah, I’ll be fine. See you tomorrow night?

EUNICE: You know it!

BOBBI exits.

V.O. Eunice, your assignment is now available.

EUNICE crawls over to the door, picks the assignment up in her teeth, returns to her seat and reads it.

EUNICE: Huh. I wonder what a Donald Trump is.

End of play.