TERRI is over at her grandmother MAEVE’s apartment.
Old furniture. Lots of doilies.
MAEVE: What do you want to eat, dear?
TERRI: Not really hungry.
MAEVE: Oh, you need to eat, Terri. I worry about you. You’re always guzzling some energy drink. It’s not healthy. I never see you putting solid food into your mouth.
TERRI: Ok, Grandma, you win. I’ll eat. What’s on the menu?
MAEVE: Well, I know it’s a bit unorthodox, but…I was wondering if you might be willing to try my…ahem…edibles?
TERRI: What now? Your edibles? Are we talking–
MAEVE: The ladies at bridge club were just raving about that medical marijuana, so I just had to try some–I got my card a month ago. It’s been wonderful! But I thought the quality of the baked goods to be better, so I’ve started trying my hand at it. And I thought that, as a youngster, you might be able to give me some constructive criticism.
TERRI stares at MAEVE in amazement. She gets out her phone and makes a call.
TERRI: Hey, mom? It’s me. Yeah, we’re having a great time. Is it cool if I stay at Grandma’s tonight? We’re going to watch some black and white movies and eat popcorn…Cool–thanks, mom! (beat) Ok, let’s see what you’ve got.
MAEVE goes into the kitchen and brings out a tray of various baked goods, wrapped in brightly colored cellophane and ribbon.
MAEVE: Presentation is everything, you know. I prefer just using my bong, but these are going over really well at the senior center. I can barely keep up with the orders. I was thinking, if you were interested, this could be a part-time job for you? Helping me bake and label and price these goodies? And if you helped me distribute them at bingo night, that would be such a big help–Bingo night is my biggest night.
MAEVE: Didn’t you say you needed some volunteer hours for school? That’s supposed to look good on college applications, isn’t it? Just tell your mom that’s what you’re doing and I’ll vouch for you. I’ll tell her I need some help around the house. Does a 60/40 split seem fair to you, dear?
TERRI: More than fair, Grandma–you have a lot of grandkids, though–why did you pick me?
MAEVE: Because you are the least annoying and most personable of all my grandchildren.
TERRI: That’s honest.
MAEVE: I think you should start with the snickerdoodles. (She hands Terri a cookie) I’ve created a ranking system of one to five puffs, one being the mildest and five being the strongest. We’ll start with the lower concentrations of pot butter and work our way up. (beat) Well, dear, what are you waiting for?
TERRI: You are the coolest grandma ever.
MAEVE: That’s very nice. Now, let’s get to work.
They both eat a snickerdoodle cookie.
TERRI: What do you like to watch when you’re high, grandma?
MAEVE: Usually Bewitched. Bewitched is quite entertaining to watch.
TERRI: What do you have for munchies?
MAEVE: Well, I’m not hungry just yet.
TERRI: No, I know, but I like to have the snacks all laid out so I don’t have to get up later.
MAEVE: Oh, I see. (beat) Well, there’s always cheese and crackers.
MAEVE starts to get up to go to the kitchen.
TERRI: Sit down, grandma–I can fix us a couple of plates. Just sit back and relax.
She exits to the kitchen.
MAEVE: Well, I certainly picked the correct grandchild.
End of play.