Lights up.plays

GERTRUDE, a lady pirate, sits on a beach.

Many cases of liquor abound.

GERTRUDE: I’ve got my bottles–now I’m ready.

POLLY, a parrot, enters, obviously intoxicated.

POLLY: Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs?


POLLY: They already have all the booty!

She shakes her tail feathers and falls to the ground, laughing.

GERTRUDE: Polly, methinks you may have had too many libations.

POLLY: (Rolling on the ground while she speaks.) Polly wants a motherfucking cracker.

GERTRUDE: Get ahold of yourself, bird!

GERTRUDE slaps POLLY across the beak.

POLLY: Damnit, Gertrude, was that really necessary?

GERTRUDE: You need to sober up so we can make a plan.

POLLY: You’re still drinking.

GERTRUDE: I can hold my liquor in a more masterful manner than ye, can’t I?

POLLY: I really need some food. Wasn’t kidding about that cracker. How can it be that only liquor washed ashore in the wreck and no food? We’re going to drink ourselves to death. At least will be drunk and happy.

GERTRUDE: By my calculations, we’re somewheres in the Bahamas. When we’ve rested, we need to walk around the edge of the island, marking out our steps.

POLLY: None of that is going to do us any good without any FOOD.

GERTRUDE: Quiet, bird!

POLLY: I can’t believe I chose to fly to your raft. I should have flown to the Captain.

GERTRUDE: Oh, the Captain who steered us straight into the ear of that storm, eh?

POLLY: Nobody’s perfect.

GERTRUDE: Polly, I didn’t want to bring this up before, but I do have some food on me, and I’m willing to share until we find more on this island.

POLLY: Why didn’t you say so?! Give it to me!

GERTRUDE: Before you–I need to let you know that it’s bird.

POLLY: (in a sing-songy tone) Dirty bird, dirty bird, dirty bird! (beat) Damnit, sorry about that. It’s like a reflex or something. (beat) What kind of bird is it?

GERTRUDE: Turkey. So, a much bigger bird–I’m no ornithologist, but I think distantly related enough that it’s not too weird.

POLLY: Oh, come on! If I was offering you a bit of human, would it help if I said “This guy definitely was raised in a different part of the world, so no worries, this won’t be weird at all?!!?”

GERTRUDE: That’s different–

POLLY: Not to me!

GERTRUDE: Do you want it?

POLLY: No, I don’t want it, but I will eat it, because there’s nothing else to eat. I just need a little more alcohol to get through this moment.

She digs another bottle out of a case and opens it with her beak.

GERTRUDE: I’m sorry I don’t have any other food to offer ye.

POLLY: I understand. There’s no avoiding it. It just really bums me out.

GERTRUDE: Would it help to say grace first?

POLLY: No, I don’t think so. Just let me make a dent in this bottle and I’ll be ready.

Sound of wind rushing through the trees.

A coconut falls from a tree and hits GERTRUDE on the head. She falls over.

POLLY: Holy shit!

She regards the coconut. Cracks it open with an empty bottle. She hungrily eats the inside of the coconut.

POLLY: At least I don’t have to eat that bird! Gertrude, isn’t that great!?

GERTRUDE doesn’t answer.

POLLY hops over, listens for a heartbeat.

Unsuccessfully attempts CPR.

She shrugs.

POLLY: Well, I’d hate for all this meat to go to waste.

She collects wood in a pile and starts a fire.

Starts hunting for something sharp enough to cut flesh.

POLLY: (Sing-songy) Polly needs a knife! Polly needs a knife! (beat) I know I saw one earlier, where was it?

End of play.