Accordion music plays.
A and B sit across from each other at a table.
They are both dressed all in black.
A: I am a woman, you will love me in the end, like everyone else.
B: It’s not you, it’s me.
A: When you grind your teeth in your sleep at night, it keeps me awake. But I never say anything. I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
B: I can never be myself around you.
A: I lied about liking Frasier. I think it’s a boring show.
B: I hate your mother.
A: I’m seeking someone else.
B: I’m sleeping with your brother.
A: Sometimes, I think about throwing all of your clothes off of the top of a skyscraper. One by one.
B: I know the password and check your email daily.
A: The more emotionally unavailable you are, the more I love you.
B: You can never decide what to order on a menu.
A: Steak frites.
A: Obviously. Cabernet Sauvignon. One with a pretty label.
B Nods. Their food and beverages fly down to them on wires. They eat and drink throughout.
A: I hate the way you cook steak. You always overcook it. You’re afraid of leaving any trace of pink.
B: Sometimes I smell perfume that isn’t yours on your shirt collar.
A: I dream of all the ways to break up with you, but find none of them satisfying.
B: You have two gym memberships and never exercise.
A: Once I thought of putting arsenic in your morning coffee.
B: Wear the peach satin nightgown. It’s my favorite.
A: Where should we go on vacation this year?
B: I keep wondering if I should propose.
A: My friends say you don’t deserve me.
B: Which movie should we go see?
A: You cannot make me watch Game of Thrones!
B: I rearrange your medicine bottles to keep you on edge.
A: I am a woman, you will love me in the end, like everyone else. (beat, looking directly at B, grabbing their hand) We’re going to be late for the movie. We should go. (She signals for the check. It flies down. She puts cash on the table.)
B: Thanks for dinner. I’ll get the movie.
They get up.
They hold hands and exit.
End of play.