It’s almost 4:30 on a Friday afternoon, and my bra is already off. This is not a good sign. The later in the day my bra is discarded has a direct correlation to the decreased likelihood of it getting put back on.
In the past few weeks, I’ve found myself spending more time visiting Petfinder and similar dog-scoping-out websites and less time on dating websites. I don’t have anything against dating–I would like to be dating more, but at this point, a dog seriously seems like less effort with a greater return on the investment of time.
Hear me out:
1) Dogs give you unconditional love.
True, there are some human males that are capable of this as well, but it seems to me that there’s nothing as pure as dog love.
2) Dogs are unabashedly honest.
Dogs don’t sulk because you bought them the wrong kind of kibble. They may have diarrhea or just ignore the food, but they won’t let resentment build up over the food and then tell you about it two months later.
3) You don’t have to worry about being over-communicative with a dog.
Dogs aren’t annoyed by drunk dials, late night texts or if you come home to see them much earlier than previously arranged because you just missed them so much.
4) Dogs are easily motivated by treats.
It is valid argument that men are motivated by treats as well, but dog treats are cheaper and more easily accessible than man treats.
5) Dogs aren’t afraid of commitment.
If you adopt a dog, you are (in an ideal world) making up to a 16-18 year commitment. The same does not hold true for all boyfriends.
6) Dogs won’t accuse you of being neurotic, selfish or vain.
Or if they do, it’s only with their eyes.
Romantic relationships with human males can be equally as rewarding as having a dog, for many reasons. I just can’t think of any of them, since I’ve already taken my bra off. Bra-lessness also has a direct correlation to temporary memory loss.