The minute I did it I knew I was in trouble…

Tags

breakups, Whidbey

 

The minute I did it I knew I was in trouble. This is not how it was supposed to go down.  I had ordered a vintage postcard that said: “A lobster I am and always will be, But won’t you have pity and please marry me?” I was going to wait until our one year anniversary or second Christmas or some landmark relationship milepost and with some ceremony present it to him.  We had talked about getting married and having kids.  We had even talked about some names.  But recently, he had started to show some reservations about the relationship, concerns that we were “too different,” were at “different” places in our life journey.  He started to drop hints that it wasn’t going to work out like Hansel and Gretel dropped bread crumbs.  But I was oblivious–I thought he was kidding or that I could fix it.  And it wouldn’t be until weeks later, after he broke up with me, that he would tell me he had started seeing someone else.  This happens everyday, but it was a grotesque revelation that it could happen to me.  One day, your partner wakes up, runs into a woman he knew in high school and decides that she would be better, or easier, or whatever he decides that makes him start plotting his exit strategy.  I could feel that I was losing traction in the relationship and in a moment of desperation, I riffled through my closet and brought out the postcard to show him.  With my Midwestern naïveté, I showed him the vintage postcard and looked up into his eyes hopefully.  That postcard symbolized my commitment–he would see it and remember the best of the relationship and stay.  Instead he looked uncertain, uneasy, uncomfortable.  In retrospect, in that moment, he knew for sure he was going to leave.  He mumbled something about “I don’t think I’m ready for that,” changed the subject, and we somehow made love and fell asleep.  One of our last nights together.  If I hadn’t shown him the postcard, might it have extended our last days?  Probably not.  But the minute I did it I knew I was in trouble.

Iceberg

His frigid kisses tasted like licorice.

This Trans-Atlantic flight had been a mistake.

Looking down at the pads of her fingers

she carefully regarded the loops,

arches and whorls–

fingerprints are as unique as snowflakes.

She had fallen in love with only

the tip of the iceberg.

 

Dress Code: Midwestern Casino

Tags

casinos, cheeseheads, Wisconsin

 

She dressed completely inappropriately for the occasion. She had been told they were going to a casino. She thought it would be cute to dress trashily, a hipster comment on the casino culture in the Midwest.

She had succeeded in looking like a misplaced Flintstones character. An alcoholic, estranged aunt that Wilma would probably not trust to babysit Pebbles.

Fortunately, at a casino in Wisconsin, there was a high likelihood of someone wearing full Green Bay Packers regalia.  Perhaps a hat made of fake cheese.  She couldn’t look that ridiculous, right?

“Oh my gahwd, you look fierce!” screeched Pablo. He had picked up a pair of aviator sunglasses off the floor and was wearing them proudly.  Sooner or later an octogenarian with a sweatshirt replete with kitten apliques was bound to track him down…

“Let’s just get a drink,” she replied.

In the Midwest, everything is cheaper.  They were able to procure a pitcher of beer and deep fried cheese curds for around $12.00.

They gazed at the endless rows of digital neon populated by obese, deer-hunting Wisconsonians.  She sighed.  She may not have met the dress code, but she finally felt at home.

Engaged To A Lion

Tags

engagement rings, lions, zoos

I don’t know how I dropped my engagement ring into the lion enclosure at the zoo.  It just happened.  It somehow became entangled in the lion’s mane.

Perhaps I was having second thoughts.  I vaguely remember being nervous and absentmindedly slipping the ring off my finger and playing with it.

You see engagement rings in movies and glass display cases at the mall.  When one is finally presented to you, it’s overwhelming.  Who knew something so small could have so much weight, so much commitment attached to it?

The problem with Jeremy was that he had no problems. He was unabashedly vanilla.  His entire wardrobe came from REI or J Crew, he had coffee at Starbucks every morning and took his chocolate lab, Dexter, to the dog park twice daily.  He had no neuroses to speak of.  There was no adventure on my horizon.

And that is why I was fiddling with the ring.

Embarrassed, I went to the lost and found office and told them my plight.

“We’ll send someone right out,” the lady at the desk with cotton candy hair replied dryly.

Five minutes later, a tattooed lion tamer with a maroon pixie cut came out from the office.  She looked like a bad-ass incarnation of Aphrodite.

I knew before she even spoke a word that I would sell the ring, once she had retrieved it.  I would convince her to run away with me to Hawaii, where we would sell fish or something.  She had to be my goddess, my salvation.  I took a deep breath and smiled.

Jeremy had Dexter, he would be alright.

The Day I Saved Zeus’s Life

Tags

dogs, fiction, writing

Working with Hedgebrook’s first ever virtual writing prompt!

“TODAY’S THE DAY YOU SAVE A LIFE

You’re on your way to lunch when you walk by a crowd of people staring up toward the sky. You look up and see someone at the top of a building getting ready to jump to his or her death. Quickly you realize you know this person—in fact, it’s someone from work. Something about this moment overtakes, so you rush to the top of the top of the building to save this person’s life.”

 

My heart was pounding in my chest. I had no idea how a 90 pound Mastiff/Australian Shepherd mix got to the roof of the Grand Central Building.  How was that even possible?!  He must have figured out doorknobs.

I ran up the four flights of stairs and climbed up the fire escape.  I approached Zeus slowly and carefully.

“Whatcha doing, buddy?”

Suddenly, thankfully, I was given the ability to communicate telepathically with this dog in crisis.

“It’s the stupid new puppy,” thought Zeus.  “Everyone likes him way better than me.  He’s not even that cute.  And he wines.  And farts a lot.  I’m a big dog, and even I don’t fart that much.  He needs to switch to a different diet, for sure.  I am going to jump off this building to escape from his farts forever.”

“Zeus, you don’t want to do that. Think of Kelsye!  You’re her rock, she would miss you so much, she would be beside herself.  She’s already really bummed that I’ve already surpassed her Klout score in a matter of days. This would just ruin her.  Don’t jump!”

Zeus slowly regarded me with his big brown eyes, taking it all in.

“Ok,” he thought. “I won’t jump, but you’re buying me a steak.”

“Deal.”